I hate 3D movies. I mean, I really, seriously hate them.
As a movie junkie, I despise them so much that I have stopped going to see movies, because too often the only option on a Saturday night is to subject yourself to this abuse of the cinematic art form. So-called traditional showings have been relegated to midday presentations.
3D movies are horrifying and need to go. I’d even be willing to see a constitutional amendment to make it happen.The Grant Rant is normally devoted to politics, culture, science and how Glee was the harbinger of doom. This complaint can absolutely be filed under First World problems.
After all, we’ve got ISIS, Gaza, Ebola, Ukraine, Ferguson, Mo. and climate change. And that is just a start. While I will write about all these things and more soon enough, if you dwell on them too often you’ll just curl up into a ball in a corner, hands over your ears hoping it will all just stop.
So today, I rant about why 3D movies are evil.
WEARING SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT IS NOT COOL
No matter what Corey Hart told you, wearing sunglasses in the dark is just stupid.
The lenses needed to see the 3D effect tint everything a dark blue, ruining the cinematography.
For instance, my buddy and I went to see X-Men: Days of Future Past in 3D, and there is a scene that takes place on a small plane heading toward a sunset. The interior of the plane is bathed in an orange-yellow light through the windows.
Some lighting tech or computer effects guy worked really hard to light that scene and make it look good. Then we put sunglasses on and it all looks inky blue.
I’m shocked movie lighting techs haven’t revolted and destroyed the factories that make 3D glasses.
It’s even worse when a scene is already dark. You end up squinting through your glasses, giving yourself a headache trying to make out what is going on the screen. And speaking of headaches…
OUR BRAINS HATE 3D MOVIES
The effect of the 3D movie is shoddy. Why? Because we already see in three dimensions.
What we perceive as “real” is ultimately just electrical impulses interpreted by our brains. What’s really going to bake your noodle about this — as Rene Descartes pointed out a long time ago — is that you ultimately cannot objectively know if what you see is real or not.
If the wiring in your brain was interpreting the world around you incorrectly, how you would know?
So while you ponder whether you are actually living in the Matrix, I’ll get to my point here, which is tha talthough the images you see at the movies are projected on a two-dimensional screen, because of the way our brains interpret the images we see depth of field.
At a 3D movie, we aren’t seeing an “extra” dimension at all. Our brains are being tricked into interpreting some bits of the image as closer and appearing as if they are floating over the bits behind it. To make this effect work, just about everything in the image is in focus. (Whereas when watching a traditional movie, the camera puts some bits in focus so we look at it, while other things are not. Your brain does this constantly.)
Now, your poor brain can process this mess — if it couldn’t, the 3D movie effect would not work at all — but it has to work extra hard to do so. Which is why many people get headaches while watching for a bit. It’s basically their brain saying, “Oh, screw this!”
SHOW ME THE MONEY!
At the end of the day, here’s why we can’t see the latest blockbuster in 2D on a Saturday night. It’s because movie houses can charge us more to sit in the dark, wearing sunglasses and getting a migraine. And like chumps, we empty our wallets.
It’s like paying a premimum for pizza that will give you food poisioning.
The sad part is there is a form of storytelling that doesn’t involve movie screens, where things seem completely real and yet no CGI was involved. They’re called plays.
You wouldn’t sunglasses to see those, would you?
grant.lafleche@sunmedia.ca
